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Saturday, September 14, 2002
Ozblogger Tim Bleyahh reports that Australia has been invaded. Let us all rally to the side of one of America's closest friends in the world. I've done my part. The following letter has been sent to the Royal Palace in Oslo:

Their Royal Highnesses King Harald and Queen Sonya
Oslo, Norway

Dear Harry and SonyaBaby:

It has come to my attention that the Kingdom of Norway has mounted an invasion of the Commonwealth of Australia. I must protest this action in the strongest terms.

Norway has violated every precept of international law by sending blonde, blue eyed nursing students to invade Australia. Bubbelahs, what were you thinking?! Absolutely NO ONE in Australia will appreciate them. I mean, just take a look at Margo Kingston, for God's sake. All right, maybe the odd ozblogger or two would take note, but even if they did, THEY WOULD NOT PROVIDE ANY CHEESECAKE (uh, ART, yeah, that's what I meant, ART) to accompany the announcement.

Take some advice from an American who knows: Task Force NorgeNurse would be much more effectively deployed on the northeast coast of the United States, say in the proximity of that well known center of culture, military power and finance, West Orange, New Jersey.

Think of the possibilities! If your invasion is successful in establishing a beachhead, you will lay claim to the most heavily developed, most productive area in the United States, itself the premier industrial center of the world. Using the just Garden State Parkway, Task Force NorgeNurse will have easy access to New York City, Atlantic City (shitty beaches, but they have casinos), Asbury Park (maybe you can arrange to take Bruce Springsteen as a POW), Wildwood (nice beaches, no casinos) and the Tappan Zee Bridge. The New Jersey Turnpike gives NorgeNurse access to Philadelphia, Delaware and beyond that, Baltimore and Washington. (Stay away from Washington for now, though. Trust me, this is not a good time to march a regiment of nurses armed with hypodermic needles and enema bags down Pennsylvania Avenue. You'd scare the hell out of Congress. Maybe in a month or so, when Congress adjourns. You can spend that time to your advantage consolidating your hold on West Orange.)

I will grant you there are drawbacks: You would inherit some minor problems, like whether to build the New Jersey Nets a new basketball arena and skyrocketing health and auto insurance rates. And I would be remiss if I didn't point out that North Jersey probably has more lawyers per capita than anywhere else on the face of the earth. (Full disclosure: I am one of them.) But no great adventure is entirely free from risk.

But the real beauty of the proposed deployment of Task Force NorgeNurse to West Orange is that, even if you later decide that West Orange (and everything else that comes with it, like the McDonald's franchise and the summer home of the former world champions of ice hockey, the New Jersey Devils) was not worth the trouble, all you have to do is withdraw, announce that you are defeated and apply for (and receive!) massive amounts of foreign aid. You guys have seen The Mouse that Roared, no?

Awaiting the opening of hostilities, I remain

Yours in anticipated Nordic bliss,

Carey Gage

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