With apologies to the Little Red Hen:

“Who will help me find these terrorists?” asked the United States.

"Not I," said the French. "If we help the United States, it will become too powerful and we cannot allow that."

"Not I," said the Germans. "The United States has not yet asked itself why it is so hated around the world."

"Not I," said the Belgians. "Americans who defend themselves are automatically committing war crimes and we cannot participate in such things."

"Not I, said NATO. "The purpose of this alliance is for the United States to spend money defending Europe under the wise tutelage of our superior European intellects, so as to enable Europe to spend its own money building dysfunctional welfare states."

"Not I," said the Security Council. "The purpose of this organization is to take huge sums of money from the United States while providing legitimacy to the world's dictators and avoiding, as much as possible, doing anything which might conceivably benefit the United States."

"I will," said the British. "Our cousins have been brutally murdered and need our help."

"I will," said the Australians. "The same people who attacked the United States also attacked us."

"I will," said the Poles. "We know what it is like to live under regimes such as the Taliban and Saddam Hussein."

“Then the British, Australians, Poles and I will find them ourselves,” said the United States.


“Who will help me catch these terrorists?” asked the United States.

"Not I," said the French. "Americans who are not dying in large numbers to save us from the Germans are simply obnoxious and deserve no help."

"Not I," said the Germans. "Our government faces an election and the only way it can stay in power is to blame America for all of the troubles in the world."

"Not I," said the Belgians. "Now you see the price you pay for failing to agree to prostrate yourselves before the environmental altar of the Kyoto Protocol."

"Not I, said NATO. "We cannot participate with anyone other than Bill Clinton in committing warlike acts."

"Not I," said the Security Council. "We are presently much too busy attempting to resolve whether the Commission on Human Rights should be chaired by Libya or Cuba."

"I will," said the British.

"I will," said the Australians.

"I will," said the Poles.

“Then the British, Australians, Poles and I will catch them ourselves,” said the United States.


“Who will help me prevent these terrorists from attacking me again?” asked the United States.

"Not I," said the French. "The United States is led by a country bumpkin who is a tool of the Jews living in that shitty little country."

"Not I," said the Germans. "You simply cannot take members of an army which attacked you and place them in a prison in a far away land without affording them all of the rights of the very same criminal justice system they are sworn to destroy. You are as bad as they are."

"Not I," said the Belgians. "The United States refuses to explore the possiblity of immediate and unconditional surrender to all of the terrorists demands, and therefore is unworthy of our assistance."

"Not I, said NATO. "It might come to pass that a soldier or airman other than an American might be injured or killed if we were to participate."

"Not I," said the Security Council. "We have not yet exhausted our supply of resolute frowns and cannot consider more serious consequences for repeated violations of the resolutions we adopted over the last decade until no one in the world is capable of at least sternly speaking to the admitted miscreants."

"I will," said the British.

"I will," said the Australians.

"I will," said the Poles.

“Then the British, Australians, Poles and I will prevent them ourselves,” said the United States.


"Who can I pay to provide services to the Afghani and Iraqi people and to build the thngs they need?" asked the United States.

The line immediately formed on the right.